you are lovely

icanread

an alarming unhappiness

unknown

It started out as a fairytale. Even in hindsight, I won't deny that. We met online, though we were three thousand miles away, and tried to pretend we were just friends, but soon we were falling. I had started talking to him just two months before I was to head off to France for a seven-month contract, but I was starting to fall in love with him and the way he told me I was beautiful and that he loved talking about language with me; I wanted only him forever. I told him I liked him and I insisted that he either tell me his true feelings or lie and say I was disgusting and that he'd never want to be with me, because that would make it so much easier to get over him.

But he decided to tell the truth, even though he had just gotten over a big breakup - one that to this day he's not over - and of all fortuitous chances, I had a layover on my way to France in an airport four hours' drive away from him. He knew, and I wondered if he would come. I spent that first flight agonizing over the uncertainty, but giddy with a degree of sureness that he would be there.

And he was.

I lugged my bags and my guitar to the front of the airport, where he was waiting, for the hour-long layover I had between flights. His whole body was shaking, and he held my hand, leading me to a sunlit, secluded alcove under a big escalator where he laid down a blanket and gestured to the picnic he brought. He told me how much he liked me, and how much he would have regretted it if he hadn't come to meet me for the first time in person when he had the chance. I played him the song I had secretly written for him on my guitar, right there in the airport, with my back to the rest of the travelers, not even meeting his eyes because I didn't know how any of this worked.

He gave me my first kiss and waved to me as I re-entered security and made my flight just in time. That flight across the ocean really felt like I was flying, like I had sprouted wings and was high on the excitement of being wanted and feeling the potential of this perfect relationship whose start was so beautifully fresh. Then I was in France, and we talked every day online, he was charming and kind and supportive, and everyone I met was wowed by the romance of our story. Our story, I thought. I would tell it to people for the rest of our lives and it would be the sign that it was meant to be from the start. Imagine - my first love, this perfect!

He even came to visit me for a month over the winter holidays, three months after the airport. We overcame so many challenges in that brief period - my hostile roommate kicking us to the curb and leaving us to fend for ourselves, dirty replacement accommodations without heating or a functional bed frame, more rude people than I can count, the utterly insulting high prices of everything in Paris, my trip to the emergency room for a bad cut on broken glass... We survived all this, and he made me love him so much through it all. He was there for me every second, and I was grateful for that but also felt so guilty to be dragging him through my crazy life.

The day before he left, I said what I had been wanting to say for months. I said what he later told me he's not sure he can ever say to me. I don't regret it, because it's how I felt and how I still feel. Every good memory we had made during his stay - wandering Montmartre, kissing in the metro station, him lifting me up in the kitchen and smiling warmly at me, every ounce of desire he had for me that I returned - all those good things made me overlook the bad. But everything changed after that day, after that sunny morning on the mattress of the borrowed room we were in, when I told him I loved him as my heart raced and I lay pressed against him. Whether all the changes were due to my words or simply happenstance, I don't know.

But I cried so much after he left, I felt as if he had died or left me. He had a new job back home that left him no time or energy to keep in touch with me, and I felt completely alone. I moved into a new place, since I had been kicked out of the old one during his stay, and although everything there was good, great even, I couldn't feel relieved. I felt empty without him, and emptier still after realizing that I'd spent an entire month neglecting my own well-being while I tried to keep the two of us afloat in a country where he didn't know the language and didn't have the financial resources to help me out when I was in need. The good memories helped me remember how much I cared for him, and I tried to keep him aware of my affection by sending emails and offline messages, because we talked so infrequently.

I even came back to America for a little while, and we were able to talk on the phone again. But he was never the one to call, he felt too stressed about my being upset and my wanting to talk about the relationship and the need I have for there to be an end date for the long-distance part of all this (which there still isn't). And in his indifference, his unwillingness to take five minutes to send me an email or call to say goodnight, I have gained perspective. All the hurtful things he said without thinking, all the discrepancies between our needs and personal interests... And then he managed to say the thing that has been stewing painfully in my heart for the past four days: the crushing confession that he might not ever be able to love me.

I blame his ex-girlfriend. I blame his upbringing. I blame so much, and I had resolved this year to eliminate blame from my life. But the way he is, is not good for me. It's maintaining an alarming unhappiness in me that I need to get away from to feel whole again. Ending this will break my heart, and his too if I'm to believe him. The fairytale was so promising, so beautiful, so achingly beautiful that I don't want to give it up. Neither of us realized in the beginning that we were fools to think this would work. We gave it up by starting it in the first place.

A

LAX February 18th

Kristen was spotted at LAX airport on February 18th. The actress wore her signature relaxed and casual attire consisting of some fabulous vintage Jet by John Eshaya Rebel Skinny Jeans. She paired them with some fantastic Vans Wellesley Women’s Hiker Skate Shoes which you can purchase HERE from Vans official webpage for just $60.

Accessories included an Urban Outfitters Ecote Canvas Rucksack. Oliver Peoples vintage re-released O’Malley sunglasses completes the look. This frame is part of a re-release of vintage looks that were acquired by Oliver Peoples founder Larry Leight. With the re-release of this vintage O’Malley frame being from 1988. The Vintage Re-Release collection will be available at Oliver Peoples boutiques and select Saks Fifth Avenue stores.

 

Vans Wellesley Women’s Hiker Skate Shoe

 

 

Oliver Peoples Vintage Re-Released O’Malley Sunglasses

 

 

Ecote Canvas Rucksack

 

Credits: Urban Outfitters, Vans, Oliver Peoples & kristen stewart fans.

[tweetmeme only_single="false"]

you and me, everyday.

If I understood the colors of the sky, I'll...

Tuli vietettyy ihana viikonloppu Niinan (aka exmanabu ja nykyne ruki from psc-cos) seuras! Kameraa en ottanu mukaa MUTTA koko aja oli jtn tekemist jote tuski oltais ehittykää kuvailemaa mitää (paitsi ruoka-annoksia.)

Suurin osa ajasta me syötiin, siis seriously _ihan_koko_ajan_, ja vasta sunnuntaina se alko kostautuu ainaki mun puolelta.. :: D Mut ainahan pitää syömistä olla ku telkkaa kattoo..

Saatiin katottua Taru Sormusten Herrasta -trilogia ilman niit (turhii) poistettui kohtauksii, jeje. Katoin sen viime vuonna, eli tokaa kertaa katottii ja myönnän et välis koin jotain 'ahaaaa!' valaistuksii. xD

Ja vaikka tykkään monestas hahmosta siin nii kyl Merri & Pippin wins! ;w; Älyttömän sulosii, ja sitte niide huumori.. nam :_D♥ Tosin se kääpiö en ny just muista nimee oli tosi hauska myös ja toi huumorii paljon siihe. x)

JA NYT HEIKKOHERMOISET ÄLKÄÄ KATSOKO ALASPÄIN!!!! 

Anteeks q traumatisoin teidät kaikki mut kaikkein inhottavin ja aasdasdsdfgmvdf hahmo kestä en tykkää yhtää on Klonkku. ;_: D:: Okei, aluks sitä inhoaa mut sitte sitä alkaa säälii ja se o kans aika hellyyttävä, mut loppujen lopuks...... not. Oon ite saanu jo kauheet traumat tost hyi oikeestien tajuu miks kiusaan itteeni turhaan googlettamal ton kuvii.

Ja Gazetet soi kaksnelseittemä. :'----D Esim rakastan istuu Niinan kyydis autos ku sil on aina joku gazen levy soimas siin~ *----* Ekana iltanaki alotettiin telkkarin töljöttäminen sillä ku neiti iski sen juuri tilatun ja saapuneen uuden sinkun dvd-koneeseen ja saatii katottuu pari livet siitä. ja kyllä Reita o edelleenki aika qmah♥ ;)

Ja sunnuntaina katottii ennen mun lähtöö Decomposition Beauty -live dvdlt Taionin live, koska AH. Oikeesti se on jotai nii täydellist katottavaa. ;Q; Pelkästään se Rukin alku ja loppuhuudotki teettää kylmiäväreitä, hur. ♥

Jjooo lopetan ihkutuksen tähän ettei siit synny tosiaa mitn romaanii. xxD Viime maanantaina oli muute ystävänpäivä, oliko mainitsemisen arvoinen päivä? Mulla se meni iha hyvi ja sain halei jii-än-eeee. ´u`
Eilinen eli kuudestoista päivä oli hassun hauska koska mun vanha luokkalaine, nykynen luokkalaine, veli ja IV täytti kaikki vuosii, jee aplodit. 8-)

Mut tosiaan huomenna lähtö Chibiconiin, ja manbailen siellä panda kigussa~ jotenki oon taas unohtanut mainita mun menoist, mut te jotka ootte tulos nii tulkaa ihmees moikkaamaan! ♥ i do not bite. ;)

Koska oon väsänny kirpparitouhui ja tää savinen kasvonaamio on pakko saada pois koska alkaa hiipii tunne et mun naamaa kuolee, lopettelen tähä jote have nice days! ♥

i want us back

weheartit

You know there's not really much anyone can say... I've heard all the typical things you would say to someone- "it gets better", "give it time", "you deserve better" etc... To be honest nothing helps. Even if it's happened to you, we can't compare ourselves. Love between two people is different, so heart break between two people is different. How it feels to you is different. It's been a month and my wound still feels fresh, it still feels like i have a gaping hole in my chest. I still think about him everyday, every minute, every second and the scary thing is I actually believe that I will never get over him. He is and will always will be my first love, the one i fell so hard for I lost myself in the process and rotated my life around his.

I met him almost 3 years ago, we were an awful set up by two of our friends in an attempt to find me- the sad lonely one- a boy. He didn't seem like anything special and to be honest I wasn't looking for him to be anything other than my first kiss. At 15 I wasn't looking for anything else. I remember that night very clearly, the awkward eye contact and avoidance... but what i remember the most was the feeling that he was different than anyone I'd met before. For awhile after that night we talked, got to know each other, became more than friends, but being 15 and so naive our 'relationship' wasn't real. We broke up and didn't talk for 5 months. What he doesn't know is that I can remember every single time in those 5 months I saw him, I wasn't over him but I wasn't about to let him know that, so I pretended to live my life. The next time we talked to each other would be at a friends party and from then on, he was about to be everything to me.

I fell in love with him. I didn't even know what love was but I think I figured it out, that feeling took me awhile to name but I felt it.I still do. We shared everything, we shared the best parts of our teenage years, and now being forced into adulthood we've changed. He doesn't want me anymore, he said he needs to figure out who he is and I'm stopping him. I've blamed myself, i still do. I'm full of so much regret and guilt and it never goes away. We're still 'friends', we talk and I'm not going to lie and say we haven't had those nights before. The sad thing is I still love him and although i know you're supposed to distance yourself to try to move on, I can't, I'm holding on to him with everything i have. Our relationship lasted almost two years, but what we had, I know it will never leave me.You can call me naive and too young but to me love doesn't have an age restriction. I'm not over it, I don't know if I will be.

I just miss him so much, i miss everything. I hurt all the time, I break all the time, I want him all the time. He left me an empty shell, wounding me so much I physically hurt.I'm not sure what to do anymore. I lie in bed for hours just thinking, just hurting. I want him back. I want us back.

Teddy, i miss you.

-K

you have no idea...

unknown