because she is me

olivia bee

I hate the girl that is so in love
I hate the girl that is so in love she blushes the minute he walks into the room
I hate the girl that is so in love she Can’t think of anything but him
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes speechless
I hate the girl that is so in love that the only movie she can see is The Notebook
I hate the girl that is so in love she feels sick When he is not with her
I hate the girl that is so in love she imagines their entire future together
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes naive
The reason I hate this girl is because she is me. You might be wondering what the reason for all the hate is. The reason is simple, the girl’s love, my love was and will never be answered
　
// Mia　

how the fuck can you be scared of love?

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Somtimes I wonder what I would answer if my friends asked me if I was in love with him. Now, they would never question because I'm really good at hiding my feelings due to years of practise. But IF.

"I don't know" I might say. "I'll admit that there is a certain tension between him and me that I don't feel I have with anyone else." Then, after a moment of thought, I might continue: "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his back so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

The ting is that I don't want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can't ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can't bear to deal with them, and I certainly can't deal with the feelings that comes after. When you've been hurt. And you always get hurt.

I never let anyone in. It takes years of good behaviour to make me trust a person fully. Much because I've been let down. Hard. I've poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, in many many years I've never let myself feel anything for anyone, I've run when I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore. I've run so awfully much, in such an awful long time, and I'm so awfully tired.

So, this time, I shave sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings that make me want him to hold me. The feelings that, when he looks at me in a certain way, are so overwhelming that it takes all of my self-restraint to not move over and kiss him full on the mouth. The feelings that makes me pee myself out of fear.

I really don't know what to do. People tell me loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how you feel when you get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and... And I'm babbeling. I always do when I'm scared. And I'm so awfully scared right now.

How the fuck can you be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot.

-S

i really really wish it was

johanna wallin

He's one of my closest friends, and honestly, we tell each other everything, we make each other laugh, we help each other through just about everything, we're there for each other when no one else is around. It could be perfect.

If only it felt right.

I've known him now for six years. But I think I speak for both of us when I say 'the feeling' just isn't there.

I don't get butterflies. I don't constantly think of him. I don't loose sleep over him. I’m not put off eating. When I look at him, I don't have the urge to hold him. The feeling of what I class as love, isn't there.

But in a strange way, I really really wish it was. He's the nicest guy I’ve ever met, he's brilliant, we work well together, he's unbelievably good for me, I've seen how he treats girls fantastically. My words could never do him justice. Why in the hell don’t I see him like that?

How can I see the guy that I loved the most like I did, when deep down I knew it would go wrong, I knew it wasn’t ‘forever’. How can I love him. But not my friend? Wait, I do love him, but in a friendship way.

My point is, I know you can’t choose would you fall in love with. I wouldn’t want you to be able to choose. Part of the excitement of love is not knowing where it’s going or is its going to be.

Just in my perfect world, we’d love each other and things would be so wonderfully simple.

Anonymous.

Less is more

Hopeavarastot ovat aika kukkurainen kasa nykyään, mutta missä on helmikasat? No, vähän on nauhojakin tullut osteltua, minkä viimeinen kuva todistanee. Ensimmäisessä kaulakorussa on peräti 14 millinen vuorikristalli ja hieno kuin mikä!

i was so naive

ffffound

I've decided to tell the story. Of a love that wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't in the cards, yet somehow, I fell madly, deeply, crazy in love with this person, who would later break my heart, and shatter my world.

We worked together. We would glance at each other, and smile as we walked by each other. He would come and order from me, and I would make some sarcastic joke and we would laugh. It was casual flirting, and really I didn't find him all that cute, but it was fun. It entertained me.

I asked him to come out and have a drink with all of us after work. He turned me down. And I was ok with that. No big deal.

A few weeks passed and my boss and I were going to a local bar, and I asked him to go. (January 5th to be exact). This time he accepted. We had a few drinks, and we kissed. I don't remember the kiss too well (those few drinks really hit me). My boss pleaded with me not do anything with him. But I was a big girl. We made out, tried to go a little further, but we both had too much to drink, so we stayed up and talked all night. I let out everything that I had kept inside for far too long. It felt amazing.

We got up, we went to work. He left shortly after he arrived. He didn't say goodbye. This hurt. But I wasn't going to let it get to me. But I left work early anyway. I went to my neighbor's and had soup and slept there.

Over the next few nights, I had talked to a few people about him. My shift manager said, "You know he is married, right?" I was furious. I was not that girl! I was not going to be the whore that he cheated on his wife with. I totally had written him off.

Then one night, I heard a knock on the door. My mom answered the door. Surprised when someone asked for me. I heard his voice and my stomach dropped. I now had to confront this guy. I stepped outside, and with my arms crossed, I said, "I heard you are married." He explained that it wasn't the case. His ex frequently told people they were married, but they weren't and it was over. I was relieved. So I invited him in. I introduced him to my mom and she gave him the inquisition. She went to bed shortly after that, and we stayed up and talked. He left shortly there after that, but I wrote down my phone number and gave it to him.

The next night he called and I had no idea who it was. But as soon as I found out, I was all twitterpated. I had butterflies going in every direction. I asked him if he wanted to come over and he said yes. So that night, I begged him to stay. After much convincing and puppy-dog eyes, he said yes. We talked and slept in each other's arms. I was so happy.

We decided to take it slow. Neither one of us was ready for a commitment, we just wanted to have fun. We weren't going to sleep together. We developed an insane friendship. We would go on long drives and talk about everything. He had become my best friend and slowly I was falling in love with this man.

For my birthday, he brought me a dozen roses, and then left because of how I was acting. He left a note, but I was too drunk to care. He later came back and stayed the night, only because my mom begged him to. I cried later at the thought of losing him.

On our days off, we would take drives. He would take me to the mountains and it was so beautiful. We would hike and see waterfalls. He took me to the beach one night, and we just walked around and we held hands and walked in the sand. I was so insanely in love with him. He would kiss me and my knees would go weak. We then went and had pie at one of the cutest cafes. We would always bring one home for my mom. We would listen to music and he would always look at me and smile. I felt like I was floating. What did I deserve to have this in my life?

One night, in mid March, we were out driving. It started out just driving around. And somehow, we ended up in Santa Cruz. He parked the car and told me to wait in the car. I had no idea what was going on. He had rented a hotel room right on the boardwalk, you could hear the ocean through the window. We walked down the pier and watched the waves. I was in awe of the ocean. He took me back the room, and we started to kiss. And he told me it was ok if we went further. We made love that night. It was incredible. We took a shower afterwords, crawled in bed and slept. The next day we walked on the boardwalk and I had my first fish-n-chips and calamari. He was opening my world to such a new place. And I had finally told him so, and I told him I loved him. And he couldn't say it back. He told me he didn't know if he was over his ex.

Over the next few months, things just got better. We took a week long trip down to Southern California. I loved being with him. I loved having him hold me. I loved making love to him. Every part of him made me happy. He even got a key to my house.

He tried to leave a few different times. These should have been my clue. The first time, he watched me cry and beg and plead with him not to leave. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated. The next morning, he showed back up at my door and apologized.

He did it several more times, always coming back. And like a fool, I took him back. I was so naive.

One night, he stood up to my mom (she had been rude earlier during a dinner between his family and mine) and it pissed off my mom royally. He wasn't allowed back in the house. So we tried making it work but taking drives, making love under the stars and windmills, by talking a lot, and he told me he thought he was falling for me. I moved out of my house so that we could be together, but slowly we started to drift apart.

One morning, getting into my car, I saw his ex calling him. I asked him, who it was and he lied. I told him I knew he was lying. And slowly those lies became a part of him. And apart of me. I wanted nothing more to keep him. So I lied. Mostly small, but about two big things... things that I hoped would keep him around. Nothing worked. He distanced himself further away from me until there was no more. I would lay on the floor, unable to move, feeling my heart break. I would cry hysterically, it hurt so bad.

He had gone back to his ex. And I was left devastated. He had been cheating on both of us. For a long time. I was just too blind to see it.

The last time I saw him, 9 months after our first night together, he and his girlfriend confronted me at his mother's house. He told me he loved her not me. I thought I was going to be so sick. My face was red with anger and with trying to hold back the tears. I remember him stopping right before he left to go be with her, and looked at me, but I couldn't look at him. Too many tears had already been shed.

I would hear from him 2 more times. One through a phone call to tell me how horrible of a person I was when I lied to him and he found out the truth and the next an e-mail to tell me how sorry he was. And that he wished me nothing but the best.

3 years after we met, he is still ingrained in my brain. Sometimes, I will dream of his arms holding me. Sometimes, he will be in my dreams. Sometimes, I believe he calls me. It comes from an unknown number, but I swear that if I still think about him, he has to think about me. How did I feel so much and him feel nothing?

I still think about what would've been. I miss his friendship, but I feel like I made him into the person I wanted him to be. I miss him. I miss his arms, but not the pain. So today, I say goodbye to it all.

Here is the story of a love that was lost. But only because I had so much more to gain.

-CT

I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind

Moi.

Huomasin että on taas viikko kulunut viime postauksesta.. Periaatteessa aikaa olisi ollut postata vaikka miten paljon, mutta koska ei ole oikeastaan mitään jännää kerrottavaa ja pelkkiä asukuvia kamerassa, niin ei ole paljon inspannut.

Aloitan viime viikon tapahtumista ennen kuin siirryn tämän viikon tapahtumiin.
Keskiviikkona asuni oli tällainen:

♥ mekko/tunika & neule: H&M
♥ farkut & pipo: Seppälä
♥ laukku: Cybershop
♥ kaulakoru: itse tehty
♥ rannekoru: Tiimari
♥ korvikset: Fiorella

Aika minimimeikit..
Haluun ton lumimäärän takaisin. ;__; Enää ei näytä yhtään kivalta kun sataa ja kaiki noi lumet on lähteny puista ja maastakin osaksi. :(
Torstai oli tosi kiva ja random päivä, koska päätimme lähteä kaveroni Allun kanssa bussilla Siilinjärven Fontanella-kylpylään. :--) Koulussa ei olisi ollut kuin kemiaa, joten ei paljoa haitannut. Kävin Fontanellessa ekaa kertaa, ja parhainta siellä oli älypitkä liukumäki (jossa kiljuttiin mukavasti :--D), ja aaltoallas. ♥ Porukkaa oli tosi vähän, mikä ei haitannut yhtään.
Pitäisi todellakin käydä useammin jossain, kun olen matkustellut elämässäni todella vähän. :( Ulkomaille en ole kyllä pääsemässä edelleenkään..

Tässä asussa reissasin:

♥ tunika: Seppälä
♥ neule & mustat helmet ranteessa: kirppis
♥ laukku: Cybershop
♥ pipo & sormus: H&M
♥ vyö: Jim&Jill
♥ helmet: Cailap
♥ pinkit helmet ranteessa: itse tehtyjä

Villakangastakki Aleksi 13, ruusukaulahuivi äidin vanha.
Osaan olla aina yhtä hehkeänä kaverikuvissa.. Niin ja mites toi Allun vuoden ympäri oleva kestorusketus..
Perjantai oli taas vapaapäivä, ja launtaina lähdettiin jo päälle yhdeksältä äidin, kummitädin & Katja-serkun kanssa kirppareille ja kaupoille. Laitoin nyt myös sen kirpparipöydän! Numero on 65 ja kyseessä on Varkauden Säästökirppari Seppälän alakerrassa. Pöytä on tällä hetkellä tosi täysi kun en halunnut raahata mitään tavaroita enää kotiin, joten sen siistinä pitäminen on aika hankalaa ainakin näin aluksi.. :--D Meinaan pitää siellä tavaroita varmaan kuukauden ajan että pääsisin eroon mahdollisimman monista jutuista.

Tässä asussa olin liikkeellä launtaina. En muuten tainnut ostaa mitään!

♥ t-paita, leggarit, pipo & laukku: Seppälä
♥ hame: Vilulta
♥ huppari & korvikset: H&M

Tein letit pitkästä aikaa. :)

Sunnuntaina oli Pimun eli Mömmöm 8v synttärit! Ostimme sille uuden pinkin kaulapannan, mutta unohdin ottaa siitä kuvan. :( No, näette sen varmasti jossain vaiheessa. :)
En voi kyllä tajuta miten Mömmö voi olla jo 8-vuotias! Muistan kun haimme sen ystävävänpäivänä kun olin kolmannella luokalla, ja tuntuu ettei se ole muuttunut yhtään! :D
Tässä kuva kolmen vuoden takaa kun Pimu täytti 5 vuotta.Sunnuntaina vähän surkuttelin sen takia kun Placebo olisi ollut Helsingin Jäähallilla. :--( Nyyh.

Maanantaina näytin tältä. Pukeuduin vaihteeksi vaaleanpunaiseen ja ruskeaan.

♥ t-paita: Vero Moda (Only)
♥ pitkis: Jim&Jill
♥ hame & pinni: H&M
♥ laukku:Fiorella
♥ ruskeat helmet, korvikset & ruusuponnari: Seppälä
♥ vaal.pun helmet & sormus: kirppis
♥ ruskeat helmet ranteessa: Tiimari

Maanantaina piti pitkästä aikaa lukea kokeeseen, ja arvatkaa mitä tein tyypilliseen tapaani? No, otin 1,5h päiväunet.. Minua alkaa aina nukuttamaan ihan älyttömästi kun yritän lukea kokeeseen. Unien jalkeen vieläpä päätin keskittää voimani Mestarimyyjä-tehtävien tekemiseen, joita olisi voinut kyllä tehdä joku toinenkin kerta.. En osaa aina olla niin looginen.

Eilen eli tiistaina palasin taas normiväreihini, eli mihinkäs muuhunkaan kuin pinkkiin ja mustaan.

♥ t-paita: Jim&Jill
♥ hame, pitkis, sukkikset, rannerengas, korvikset & sormus: H&M
♥ laukku: äidiltä
♥ panta & Hello Kitty: Seppälä

Tänään oli aika mukava päivä koulun osalta: ei ollut muuten koulua kuin vain tunnin pituinen yritysvierailu paikallisessa hotellissa. Näytin siellä tältä:

♥ mekko: Lindex
♥ neule & sormus: H&M
♥ leggarit: KappAhl
♥ laukku: kirppis
♥ kaulakoru: itse väsätty
♥ korvikset: blogiarvonnasta
♥ kello: Leijona

XOXO, ehh, anyone?

Extrarakeisia kuvia ei voi välttää näin pimeinä aikoina ilman salamaa..
Leikin että omistaisin lyhyet hiukset.
Tämänaamuisen hotellivierailun kaltaisi yritysvierailuja voisi olla useamminkin, vaikkei siellä ollutkaan niin jännää, mutta mielestäni niissä oppisi paljon enemmän kuin istumalla tunneilla ja kirjoittamalla vihkoon, ja ne toisivat myös paljon vaihtelua normaaleihin koulupäiviin.

Palasin kotiin jo ennen kymmentä, ja aloitin tämän ihanuuden katselua:
Sain siis Allulta lainaan Sinkkiksen toisen tuotantokauden, ja kerkesin jo katsoa ensimmäisen DVD:n jaksot. En tainnut vielä mainitakaan että minulla on nyt neljä päivää vapaata, + tämä päivä melkein kokonaan. :D Ongelmani on kuitenkin taas kerran tekemisenpuute, ja mietinkin jo mitä ainakin aion tehdä.

Sinkkisjaksojen lisäksi luvassa on mm. seuraavanlaista:
HAHA, kädestä ennustusta!! 8--D Lainasin eilen tuon kirjan ihan randomisti, ja kerkesin jo vähän tulkita Allun ja minun käsiä. Jännää!

Lisäksi aion tehdä jotain vähän vähemmän mukavaa..
..nimittäin Mestarimyyjätehtäviä, joiden tekemisessä menee ikuisuus. -__- Lisäksi pitäisi lukea vähän maanantaiseen äikänkokeeseen.

Ajattelin myös katsoa jos löytyisi lisää kirpparille vietävää, joten hinnoittelua ehkä luvassa.
Pitäisi myös ryhdistäytyä ja käydä edes kerran lenkillä, viime kerrasta on jo aikaa..
Aion myös lukea Muumilaakson marraskuuta jos tekee mieli, ja ehkä jotain muitakin kirjoja mitä minulla on lainassa, kuten punkshuita tai kirjaa Tim Burtonista.
Näiden asioiden lisäksi luvassa on tietysti mitäs muutakaan kuin dataamista, syömistä, ehkä leffojen katselua.. Nyt kun luettelin noita tekemisvaihtoehtoja, vaikuttaa että niissä on ihan mukavasti puuhaa, mutta pelkään pahoin että erakoidun lisää jos en aio nähdä ketään muita kuin ehkä perheenjäseniäni moneen päivään. Olisin halunnut mennä katsomaan New Moonin Allun kanssa ensi-illassa, mutta kaikki kaatuu taas kerran kyytien puutteeseen kun asun täällä korvessa. No, menemme varmaan maanantaina.

Voit toki auttaa minua ja keksiä minulle jotain kivaa tekemistä. :--)

Tähän loppuun vielä pari kuvaa. Allu piirsi minusta tällä viikolla kaksi erilaista kuvaa. :DD Mites tuo vyötärö ja etuvarustus varsinkin tuossa tokassa kuvassa.. Repesin viimeistään tuossa vaiheessa kun näin nuo alakulmassa kuolaavat pojat.
On se taitava.

Btw, niin olin minäkin 9-vuotiaana, check this out!
Creepy. Mukavat jutut ovat olleet minulla jo silloin. Mites muuten nuo yhdyssanat?

Ihan viimeisenä kysyn, että tietääkö kukaan mikä tämä 2€ kolikko on, tai siis tuon kuva? Ilmeisesti joku 200v juttu?
Np: My Chemical Romance - To the End

before sunrise

thanks danica!